One Liners

Why do University of Arkansas graduates tape their diplomas to the windshields of their cars?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.

How do you keep an Oklahoma State student busy for a month?
Give him a package of M & M's and tell him to alphabetize them.

How do you know a Brigham Young student's been mowing the lawn?
The welcome mat is destroyed.

What does the N on the Nebraska football helmet stand for?
"Nowledge."

Why does a Texas Aggie keep his fly open?
In case he has to count to eleven.

Why did the University of Oklahoma researcher stay awake every night?
He was trying to find a cure for insomnia.

Why don't Purdue athletes eat pickles?
They can't get their heads in the jar.

NEWEST DRINK AT NEW MEXICO STATE Perrier and Club Soda.

What do you get when you cross a Texas Aggie with an ape?
A retarded ape.

Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet!
Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket?
Professor Yes, but I thought it was mine!

Did you hear about the Louisiana Tech professor who stood in front of a mirror for two hours, wondering where he'd seen himself before?

"Professor, I hear your wife has had twins. Boys or girls?"
"Well, I believe one is a girl and one is a boy but it may be the other way around."

Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon?
Student: When you can't get your jeans over your thighs.

Did you hear about the Western Kentucky professor who kissed the door goodbye and slammed his wife as he went by?

And then there was the UCLA professor who opened up his vest, pulled out his tie and wet his pants.

How do you measure a Villanova graduate's I.Q.?
With a tire gauge.

Did you hear about the Penn State professor who went around in a revolving door for six hours because he couldn't remember whether he was going in or coming out?

How many Wake Forest fraternity brothers does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Seventeen. One to do it and sixteen to shell the M&M's.

How do you get a Texas Tech senior's eyes to sparkle?
Shine a flashlight in his ears.

What do you call ten Utah State law students standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.

Why did the Oregon State psychology major climb up the chain link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

Why are Georgetown graduates like Coke bottles?
They're both empty from the neck up.

Did you hear about the Duke science major who tried to blow up his instructor's car?
He burned his lips trying.

What is a Furman freshman doing when he grasps at thin air?
Collecting his thoughts.

"Did you hear? Lament's gettin' a Ph.D."
"What does Ph.D. stand for?"
"in his case, Pin-headed Dope."

Did you hear about the UCLA track star who won a gold medal?
He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed.

How many Buckeye football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But he gets three hours credit.

Did you hear about the Tennessee State student who went on a hunting trip?
He saw a sign along the road that read, "BEAR LEFT," So he got scared and went home.

Jeb and Eudell, University of Michigan athletes, were driving from Ann Arbor to Cleveland. Just outside the city limits they saw a sign: "CLEAN REST ROOMS." By the time they got to Cleveland, they'd cleaned 147 Johns.

Two Kentucky psychology majors were walking through the campus. "Do you consider a 1441.Q. high?" "Yes!" "For the whole basketball team?"

How can you tell a Minnesota hockey fan?
Ask him what color the blue line is and wait. It may take him ten minutes to answer.

After an examination, the school doctor said to McQuade, "I'm afraid you've got VD. Any idea where you contracted it?"
"Yes, sir. It was during a wet dream!"

What do they call a bunch of Mississippi football players standing in a circle holding hands?
A dope ring.

How does a New York University psychology major turn on his lights in the morning?
By opening the car door.

What do you call a Carnegie Tech coed with half a brain?
Gifted.

Did you hear about the University of Miami fullback who stayed up all night studying for his urine test?

Tthere was the Florida State defensive tackle who thought Hertz Van Rentals was a famous Dutch painter.

What did the University of Florida freshman say when his date blew in his ear?
"Thanks for the refill."

How can you tell if a California State coed is a good cook?
She can get the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.

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