One Liners

"Say, your house is burning."
"That's okay. I got enough lumber in the attic to build a new one."

Loomis: Does your dog have a license? Fenton: Hell, no! I do all the drivin'.

Did you hear about the dumb father who got up and struck a match to see if he had blown out the candle?

NEWS ITEM.Kidnappers grabbed a little boy and two days later sent him home with a ransom note.
His parents immediately sent the kid back with the money.

Did you hear about the country boy who was so dumb he thought a Castro convertible was a Cuban bisexual?

Did you hear about the country boy who took a book out of the library called How to Hug, only to discover it was Volume Ten of the Encyclopedia Brittanica?

Personnel Director: What would you do if you broke your arm in two places?
Vanderkron: I wouldn't go to them places no more!

Did you hear about the dimwit who was so dumb he thought Gatorade was welfare for crocodiles?

"Can you read Chinese?" "Yes, but only when it's printed in English."

Did you hear about the auto mechanic who went to a psychiatrist and insisted on laying under the couch?

"Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie?"
"He said it was too tight."

"All right, you think you're so smart, why did God create man?"
"He couldn't teach gorillas how to mow the lawn."

Hatton: I ain't as dumb as I look! Folsom: You couldn't be!

Did you hear about the rookie Rhode Island cop who gave out twenty-two parking tickets before he found out he was at a drive-in movie?

How many Navy pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Two to tell you everything's okay and one to screw it in the faucet.

Chuck: I keep seeing spots before my eyes.
Rusty: Have you seen a doctor?
Chuck: No, just spots.

Hoot: How the hell can ya be so stupid?
Jessie: Well, it ain't somethin' yew can pick up overnight.

Holton sat down in a Green Bay restaurant and said to the waitress, "Do you know whether the milk from this dairy is pasteurized?"
"Sure is!" she answered. "Every morning they turn the cows out to pasture."

Did you hear about the dimwit who went to visit his girlfriend and found she didn't have very much on?
He went back nine months later and she had a little moron.

Remember: If you want to make an accountant laugh tomorrow, tell him a joke today.

What has eight legs and an IQ of forty? Four guys watching a baseball game.

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