One Liners

"I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are," said Emmaline to her husband.
"You should have known that the minute I asked you," he replied.

Wife: Would you sooner lose your life, or your money?
Husband: My life, of course. I'll need my money for retirement.

"Sheep are such stupid animals. Don't you agree, Elizabeth?"
"Yes, my lamb."

Did you hear about the young Long Island couple who got married, and the bridegroom went to Albany alone for the honeymoon?
The bride had already been to the capital.

Rosalie was visiting her bandaged husband in the hospital. On the way out, she said to the nurse, "My husband always says, 'Why should I be the first to dim my headlights?'

Wife: Why are you so upset?
Husband: The garage charged me fifty dollars for towing my car a mile. I got my money's worth, though. I kept my brakes on!

Did you hear about the Arkansas addlebrain who had a vasectomy so he'd stop having grandchildren?

Husband: I've lost quite a lot of weight.
Wife: I don't see it.
Husband: Of course you don't. I've lost it!

'I hate to say it, honey, but this toast is really tough.' "You're eating the paper plate, darling!"

Did you hear about the Brooklyn cab driver whose wife had triplets and he went out looking for the other two guys?

"Hello, is this the fire department?"
"Yes, sir, can we help you?"
"Could you please tell me where the nearest fire box is? I want to report a fire!"

"Sorry I'm late, dear," said Brewster, "there's water in the carburetor."
"Where is the car?" asked his wife. "In the lake."

"Hey, dummy!" said Chadwell to his wife. "Close the window, it's cold outside."
(Closing window) "There! Now it's warm outside."

Bridegroom to the hotel clerk: "How much do we owe for the room?"
"Thirty bucks apiece."
Johnson figured for a minute and handed him a hundred and fifty dollars.

Electrician: Your doorbell doesn't work, mister, because you have a short circuit in the wiring.
Husband: Well, dammit, then lengthen it!

Husband: This match won't light.
Wife: What's the matter with it?
Husband: I don't know it lit before.

Mrs. Brown shook her husband awake. "Will you help me straighten up the house?" she asked.
"Why?" her husband replied. "Is it tilted?"

"You are beyond a dimwit!" screamed Mrs. Watson at her husband. "You are illiterate."
"Is that so? Well, the joke's on you. My parents were married."

Parrish was taking the state civil service exam. "Have you ever committed sodomy?" asked the psychiatrist. "No, sir," he said. "One wife's enough for me!"

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