One Liners

Why do Iraqi police officers walk in threes?
The first knows how to read, the second knows how to write and the third is to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

Did you hear about the Iranian terrorist who switched off the fans of his stolen helicopter because he couldn't stand the draft?

Tthe Albanian planted lightbulbs in his garden.
He heard that tulips grew from bulbs.

Why did they discontinue driver's education and sex education in Syria?
Because the camel died.

What do you get when you cross a French Canadian with a monkey?
Nothing. A monkey's too smart to screw a French Canadian!

Why are Canadians given only a half hour for lunch?
They don't want to have to retrain them.

Did you hear about the guy from Newfoundland who was twenty-two years old before he knew which part of the olive to throw away?

And then there was the Newfie who was found dead in his jail cell with twelve bumps on his head. He'd tried to hang himself with a rubber band.

GROSS IGNORANCE - 144 Newfies.

What's the difference between a Newfie and a pig?
One likes to eat, sleep, belch and roll inthe mud. The other is considered intelligent and has a curly tail and a flat snout.

What's the difference between a Newfie and a chimpanzee?
One's hairy, smelly and picks his nose. The other can be taught to talk to humans.

"Helga, tell me something. Why do Swedish men always have stupid grins on their faces?"
"Because they're stupid," said her friend.

Did you hear about the Norwegian orchestra that stopped in the middle of a performance to clean the saliva out of their instruments?
And it was a string orchestra.

Did you hear about the Danish hemophiliac who tried to cure himself with acupuncture.

Or the Finn who spent a fortune building a storm cellar in case there was an earthquake.

Why does the Philippines ban rectal thermometers?
They cause too much brain damage.

Why are there so few skyjacking attempts by Mexicans?
What good is having a parachute if you can't count to ten?

What is long, brown and has a cumulative I.Q. of eighty?
A Cinco de Mayo parade.

Did you hear about the Mexican bricklayer who went crazy trying to lay a cornerstone in a roundhouse.

Why is the computer center business in Puerto Rico such a miserable failure?
The night duty technicians always forget to stoke up the furnace.

Did you hear about the Puerto Rican secretary who was getting so experienced she could type twenty mistakes a minute?

Then there was the Puerto Rican surgeon who made medical history. He performed the first appendix transplant.

Why did Rudolfo salute the box of Cornflakes in the supermarket?
Because the label said General Foods.

How does a Russian Aeroflot pilot navigate? By reading street signs.

What do you call an Italian with a vasectomy? A humanitarian.

Carmella and Mario were out on their first date. L'Have you ever read Shakespeare?" asked Carmella.
"No," said Mario. "Who wrote it?"

Iraq has just ordered two thousand septic tanks from Russia.
As soon as the Iraqis learn to drive them, they are going to invade Iran.

Why can't the Philippines field an ice hockey team? The players all drowned in spring training.

How do Filipinos count money?
One-a, two-a, three-a, four-a, another-a ...

What do Filipinos call Canada? Upper U.S.

What do Filipinos call Alaska? Way Upper US

Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to swim the English channel?
Halfway across he decided he couldn't make it so he swam back.

And what about the Irishman who went out to his garden and put a floodlamp on his sundial?
He wanted to be able to tell the time at night.

Why are Irish jokes so simple?
So the English can understand them.

Doctor: That deafness cure help your brother?
Archie: Sure did! He hadn't heard a sound in years, and the very day after he took that medicine, he heard from America!

"What did Shawn like most about his trip to Paris?" "He said it was lovely to hear the French pheasants singing the Mayonnaise."

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